In 2018, I moved from Beijjing to Redding, wrote and published 2 books, made new friends, published my first audio book, and made more passive income than at any other time of my life.
In 2018, I was a safety flagger, an online English teacher, a writer, and a professor.
My first act of 2019 was prayer. My second act of 2019 was teaching English to Chinese students online. My third act was drinking coffee with my mom while discussion the nature of reality, of God, and of making dreams manifest, and bringing Heaven to Earth, and the responsibility and god-ship God has given the race of men.
And my 4th act is writing this blog post.
I’m tempted to finish watching Sahara with Matthew Mcconaughey that I started last night, and decided to abandon in favor of getting much needed sleep, since I’d only slept for an hour-ish the night before. However, I don’t want one of the first things I do with 2019 to be watching media, which I do all the time, and I’m practically addicted to.
Rather, I want this first day of 2019 to represent how the entire year will go.
Nothing quite as dramatic as, if something bad happens today, it’s an indicator of how the rest of the year will go. But rather, how I decide to live today… well, I digress. I want to live today in such a way that I don’t regret it. In the final weeks of 2018, I learned how to forgive myself and let myself off the hook, and take the forgiveness of Jesus for myself concerning events in the past that I’d instigated.
Someone told me something that changed my life in 2018. He said regrets were like links in a chain, which stretch back to a ball of shame. Well, once he told me that, and gave me a verbal procedure for entering into the forgiveness of Jesus, taking it for myself, and then forgiving myself by saying, “I forgive myself,” I felt something spiritual enter me and, I suppose for lack of a better word, cleanse me. Because after that day, from the basis of those moments, each time I’ve taken the forgiveness of Jesus and then forgiven myself for something I regretted, I feel less ashamed of myself, less worthless, less like a piece of trash, and more like God’s precious son.
I think I’m happier now than at any other stage of my life, because the big iron, rusty ball of shame I’ve been dragging behind is being cut loose.
I was sitting with my therapist the other day, and at once I recognized that there is still a lot of bleeding and shame down there. But, as my therapist said, I’m learning how to manage life, how to manage myself, how to act in service of myself rather than against myself. I’m learning the art of self-compassion.
Being gentle with myself is hard. From birth to now, I’ve been given a stead diet of criticism, a lot of that coming from my hands, and from the hands of accomplices, demons, and people. But, I think perhaps the most amount of damage that’s occurred in my life has been birthed at the tip of my tongue while looking in the mirror. I think I, more than anyone else, have been my own worst critic.
This is the cycle.
First, someone criticizes me. Or at least I perceive it that way. Then, I grab that line of narrative by the horns and stab myself right in my heart, over and over again. People have harmed me, and many times at that. But I’ve harmed myself more than anyone else. And now, I’ve vowed, at the initiation of my therapist, not to do so anymore. And now I’m learning how to forgive myself, and let myself off the hook, and give myself the benefit of the doubt. Only by the power of God have I come to this point.
Sometimes people make glib comments about God and themselves, and I’ve been so annoyed by those people at times who give God praise on a stage in a tux or dress while talking to many people. I’ve judged them so many times. It’s so easy to buy into the lie of judgement by saying to them, sure, you’re thanking God now, but how about when no one is looking? But now here I am, the hypocrite in more ways than one, saying that if God didn’t heal me, I would still be being crushed under the weight of the Car of Shame that fell off its jack onto my chest years ago. I’ve tried many times to wiggle out from under that Car of Shame. I’ve tried many times to lift it, to ignore it, to distract myself, but it’s still there, crushing me, cutting me and gashing my skin and flesh, forcing the life blood and my purpose for living out of my veins. Even now it says to me, “No one wants to read what you’re writing. No one care what you have to say.” That’s the voice of satan. The voice of criticism. The voice of not enough. The voice of pure evil.
Each time I turn to God, facing him, He doesn’t shame me, put heavier burdens on my shoulders, or yell at me or hit me. He lifts the car off of my chest. He brushes me off. Where other people are ridiculing me, or satan is condemning me, God is like, “There’s an app for those assholes. It’s called, ‘fuck off.’ Come with me, let’s have some fun, and I’ll heal you. You don’t have to pay attention to satan and those voices of evil anymore, because I created you, I conceived you, I invented you, I created you, you are my son, and I say that you are Holy, Good, pure, and clean. I bought you. I want you. I need you, because you’re my friend, you’re my son, you’re my confidant. You have nothing to be ashamed of anymore, because all those events you were ashamed of, I have washed away with my power, love, grace, mercy and blood. You are now clean, and you will be getting more and more clean. Your desire is granted.”
That’s how God talks to me. He’s not condescending or jerkish or mean. He’s kind, direct, forceful, and good to me. Regret and shame had made me its bitch for the first 38 years of life. But no more. No more regrets. Not because I won’t make anymore mistakes, but because, if my friend God the Father says I’m clean, and He’s the most power, highest being who created me, then I’m choosing to believe Him, his reality, his goodness, his character. He’s not cruel as satan and men have said. He’s not a slave master. He’s not a tyrant. He’s not mean or abrasive or arrogant or teasing. He’s kind, warm, gentle, affectionate, and good. He’s dangerous to slave masters, and His justice is unrelenting. But now his wrath is aimed at the devil and those people who serve his purposes. He will crush them, and is doing so now at this period of history. Worldwide poverty is at an all time low, because justice is being served. God’s justice, that which serves to annihilate evil, pain, death, and suffering.
The more I, and we, align ourselves with God and get to know Him and give Him permission to do things His way on Earth through us, the less regret, shame, harm, pain, fear, and pride will have there way, and the more humility, kindness, love, joy, peace, healing, and high-self esteem will become the way of life, that is, Heaven on Earth.